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The Downward Spiral Distractions
Kate would be leaving soon, and I watched her get dressed. There was
something nibbling at the back of mind about her and I wanted to tell her
that she should give up the jeans look and wear and skirts.
Nothing too short but skirts nonetheless. Again we made idle conversation
as we readied for her flight to leave. I saw her to her gate, all the
while that something ticking way back in my brain.
Kate left back to West Virginia, and I was again alone with my thoughts.
I had taken to torturing Donna in e-mail. This was not due to hate but
rather a detachment. She had contacted me shortly after I got back from
New England to tell me she thought she was pregnant. It called up my
failing inadequacy when trying to fuck her, so I got mean. As time went
on, I realized that I had colored her in my mind to protect my ego. She
wasn't fat, but just a big girl. Neither was she as ugly as I had wanted
to her. I knew I was being mean because a part of me wanted a
chance at her again with some purpose in my subconscious that I could not
quite put my finger on.
It was another three months before Kate would return. In that time I
started into a new online group that did Role play sort of game on line.
You know the sort of thing where you create a character and just play a
scene. Anyway, now I was meeting new people. I met a woman named Suzanne
that lived in town (a relative term for the fourth largest city in the US),
who wanted to meet. I picked a mall between the two of us on a day off.
The eatery we agreed to meet at had three entrances and two were near the
bar where we agreed to meet. I hid out and watched her arrive. Suzanne
was heavyset but none too shabby in my mind as she entered and searched the
bar for me. I turned to the exit I was near and left. To this day, I have
no idea why it did. I knew I'd get home before she did and she called
about ten minutes after I did get in.
"I waited for a half hour for you." She should have not called at all.
When she did call she should have been on the phone long enough to tell me
to go to hell. She wanted to hear something that made her feel like I
hadn't avoided her, which I had. The odd thing to me was that I knew all
of this before she ever finished her statement, and that tickling idea in
my head seemed to revel in this whole thing.
"I'm sorry I just got home, my car died out in the street on my way
there." I didn't have a cell phone, so it was the perfect sounding excuse.
After all, my car was a pile of crap at the time. "We can do it again
sometime if you feel like it."
"I'll have to think about it." I knew Suzanne would be calling me, soon.
"I'd like it if you did, hon. I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"I... I'll talk to you soon, Ian, Bye." I had not missed her pause.
She was going to say I love you. My God! I had spent years being the
clingy please date me half of all my attempted relationships. Now I was on
the other side. Suddenly that thing that had not wanted to come to the
front of my brain did. I had control over her. She was going to call, and
when she did I'd have her. No meeting in a safe place again. I'd go to
her house while her was at school and I'd fuck her right after she
blew me. Given enough time and patience on my part, I could slowly take
ownership of her. Make her mine, and not in that lovey dovey way I had
hopelessly dreamed of all my life.
Wait! What was I thinking? I'd own another person, bend them to my
will? That wasn't right. It was deviant, abusive and wrong. But was it
really abusive? I didn't like causing physical pain nor having it
inflicted on me and I wasn't interested in making her feel like she was my
property and somehow less than me. The beating down of someone emotionally
or physically was really what abuse was and that had no appeal to me.
Still it was deviant and wrong. I had enough guilt just in the fact that I
was fornicating, add some bizzare element of mind control or domination
into the mix and I'd go mad with the guilt. I could not go down this road.
I would not go down this road.
It was almost two weeks before Suzanne called and wanted to get
together.
"Can you come look at my sink?" Her house and her sink were across town.
"That's not the plumbing you want me to check, hon." We had been open
sexual in all of our conversations, so now was not the time to hold back,
but it was my time of decision.
"Are you going to come over?" There it was, and this time I knew what it
was, if I said yes I was going down a road that would lead me far away from
my current life. It was miserable and unhappy and I was sick of it, but I
wasn't sure I was ready to start making the choices I would if I started on
this path. On the other hand, if change is inevitable, why fight it?
"I'll be over in an hour."